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[ Watch The Birdie (Page 3) ] “You fluky, fluky sod.” Yeah, that’s right, beat them by five lucky touchdowns. “That’s pretty much what it looked like from here, yeah.” Would sir care for a little cheese with his sour grapes? “Listen, sunshine, giving Detroit a kicking is about as difficult as finding a virgin at a sci-fi convention. You’ve got Seattle this week, and they’re a proper team. Like, with players and everything. Let’s see you put fifty points on Shawn Springs and Marcus Trufant.” Just bring it. “Now you’re just trying to be populist to make up for the fact that no-one got the Feargal Starkey line, aren’t you? The Seahawk defence is pretty strong all round, actually – Norman Hand and John Randle give them some serious power up the gut. I realise it’s not Shipp or Smith’s strength, but I think you’ll need to run outside if at all. Anthony Simmons, Randal Godfrey and Chad Brown are a criminally underrated linebacker trio, so stretching the field with the pass will be even more important than usual. Which is a problem, since their secondary is top-notch.” I’ve got every faith in Jeff and the boys. “Really? That makes one of us, then. The Seattle offence has quietly become one of the best units in the league. Like Detroit, if they’ve got a weakness on the line it’s in the middle. Unlike Detroit, they’ve got two genuine A-grade wideouts in Koren Robinson and Darrell Jackson. Ideally, you’ll want to double-cover both, but doing that will open spaces for Shaun Alexander, Bobby Engram, Jerramy Stevens, Itula Mili, Mack Strong...” Alright, alright, I get the gist. “Seriously. This team are have got more receiving threats than Mike Holmgren has had big dinners. And you can bet that if you leave anyone soft-covered, Matt Hasselbeck will get the ball to them. The boy’s young, bright and has a great arm. Sort’ve like Jeff Blake, except for the young, bright and great arm bits.” Hasselback’s a baldy slap-head, though. “Takes one to know one, Kojak.” - Sun Devil Stadium then, and it’s hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum, as my mate Bruce - a professor teaching Hegelian Philosophy at the University of Wallamalloo - has been known to remark. Not exactly a packed house for the home opener, but still more than a few hardy Arizonians (is that a word? It is now...) have had their interest piqued by outlandish tales of actual touchdowns being scored in the far-away freezing northern hinterlands (“What, you mean by the Cardinals? Nah, you must be getting that wrong somewhere...”) and have showed up just to make absolutely sure that the team’s really as bad as they remember. We lose the toss, again, and are forced to kick. Seattle’s first drive is... competent. That’s the only word for it. A series of neat, short passes interspersed with enough Shaun Alexander to stop us keying entirely on the receivers. We finally catch a break at our 40, nickelback Terry Fair knifing in to stop a sweep play in the backfield, then the quarterback getting hit as he throws on 3rd down, the ball falling harmlessly to the turf. The punt sails cheerfully into our endzone, so with a quiet sigh of relief I send the offence out for the first time. Having learned my lesson at least a little from the debacle that was our opening couple of possessions in Detroit, this time around I stick to my avowed intent of using the pass to set up the run. Thomas Jones and Bryant “Johnno” Johnson make a couple of quick-strike catches and then we give them a bit of Marcel Shipp, who surges past, over and through defenders to the tune of 16 yards on the counter. The Seahawks try bringing the blitz, but Jeff Blake just invites it in then drifts the ball over the rushers to find Shipp in acres of space, the big back finally rumbling out of bounds at the Seattle 15. Emmitt Smith comes in to spell Marcel (M-A-R-C-E-L being the normal way, of course) and simply fabulous blocking sees him slide off the left tackle and slash into the endzone from ten yards out to open the scoring in front of a crowd that’s trying to work out if the teams have swapped uniforms or something. SEA 0-7 ARI Seattle come out with another neat and tidy drive that nickels and dimes its way to their 46. Which is where they show us the difference between having a good halfback and having a great halfback. Shaun Alexander flashes off right tackle and past the line of scrimmage before my linebackers have realised the ball’s been snapped, tramples last year’s Superbowl MVP underfoot and vanishes off downfield leaving a trail of “what the hell just happened?” looks in his wake. 54 yard TD and, to add insult to injury... or, actually, to add injury to injury, Dexter Jackson has badly bruised his shoulder and will play no further part in the game. The crowd settle down a little – this is a bit more like what they’re used to. SEA 7-7 ARI
We confirm that we’ve exited the Twilight Zone with a three-and-out, Anquaan Boldin getting stopped an infuriating yard short on 3rd-and-miles. Seattle, meanwhile, are still taking what we’re giving, and that means the short pass. Once again, they march with very little resistance to about halfway, but there Hasselbeck gets a tad impatient and tries to manufacture a deep pass, squeezing the ball in toward his tight end despite both safeties being in close attendance. Adrian Wilson nips in front and makes the interception, returning it back inside Seahawk territory. We choose this fairly inconvenient moment to go completely to pieces, Blake lucky not to be picked off trying to get a pass into Boldin with Shawn Springs in close attendance, and we’re forced to punt away having gained nary a yard. Fortunately, the Seahawks are obligingly buying into the afternoon’s all-round bumbling theme, and most of the rest of the half passes in good-natured incompetence, punctuated occasionally by the thump of pigskin hitting punter’s cleat. They have to go and spoil things, though, and with three minutes left in the 2nd quarter start showing signs of actually putting a drive together. Which has to count as Unsportsmanlike Conduct, surely? Hasselbeck fakes a handoff, my defence bites like a good ‘un and with the best will in the world Tay Cody isn’t going to cover Koren Robinson one-on-one. 16 yards, then, and just to prove it wasn’t a fluke Hasselbeck hits KoRo on the next play for another 16, then Jerremy Stevens for 22 more to take the Seahawks into field-goal range at the two minute warning. Erk. Things don’t get better in a hurry, either. Stevens catches a short pass, backup free safety Quentin Harris dives to make the tackle but somehow contrives to miss the tight end altogether, and it takes a rapid scurry back by Tay Cody to prevent a touchdown – even so, it’s a 30-yard gain, 1st and goal at our 5 and our young secondary is just being taken to pieces. You have to think that Dexter Jackson simply wouldn’t have missed that tackle if he’d been in the game. Erk, again. Credit where it’s due, though, and with our backs to the wall we come out fighting, stuffing Alexander on first down. Hasselbeck hurries his team back to the line and goes again, this time finding Stevens in the flat a split-second before David Barrett gets there and spins the big tight end to the floor. Still no huddle, but on third down Wendell Bryant comes bludgeoning up the middle of the line to bundle the quarterback over for our first sack of the day. We call timeout to give us a chance at driving for a final score, and as Josh Brown slots the chip-shot it’s SEA 10-7 ARI, 1:23 to go in the opening half. All notions of driving the field go for a Burton, though, when Jeff Blake is sacked on the first play of the ensuing possession. We let the clock run down, then Marcel Shipp gets 10 yards on the draw on 2nd and 20, and we’re just turning for the locker-room when Seattle, in more unsportsmanlike conduct, call a timeout of their own. 3rd and 10, then, 30-some seconds left to half-time. Nadgers. The Seahawks still have a couple of clock-stops remaining, so we have to try for a first here. We come out in the I, hinting that another run is a possibility. Seattle certainly think it is, selling out on a blitz that leaves Bryant Johnson single-covered, and Johnno turns a quick slant into a 27-yard pickup into Seattle territory. Nice. From the spread formation, Blake finds slot receiver Bryan Gilmore for 14 yards over the middle, and we call our last timeout on the Seahawk 34, 16 seconds remaining. We have one shot for the endzone, but the pressure is too heavy and Blake is forced to throw it away, so Bill Gramatica comes out for the 51-yard attempt... and absolutely clobbers it, straight down the middle and with enough power to have been good from 61 yards, never mind 51. Burning that time-out on our 3rd and 10 isn't looking so bleedin' clever now, is it, Holmgren? Half-time, then, in a decidedly scrappy game - SEA 10-10 ARI Out we trot for the third quarter, having had exactly one good drive in the first half. Seattle have looked dangerous almost every time they’ve had the ball, however, and so we really, really must try and impose ourselves on the game with our opening possession of the second half. So, like, one first down and a punt isn’t exactly what I was hoping for. Seattle show us how it’s done, with yet another of those softly-softly, run, run, pass pass, run drives they’ve been manufacturing all day. It’s not flashy, but it’s terribly, terribly effective and it’s chewing up the clock like no-one’s business. I finally think we catch a break when Bobby Engram gets hit at our 6 by a cluster of defenders, spills the ball and David “No-Mark” Barrett falls on it. But Mike Holmgren challenges, of course he bloody does, and the play’s reversed, of course it bloody is. This close to the endzone, though, our zone coverage is compressed so much that the zones are overlapping each other with no seams at all, making it tougher than three-day-old pizza to pass on us and so, since Holmgren seems to have forgotten that he’s got Shaun Alexander in the backfield, our defence holds firm in another goal-line stand. Brown hits the 25-yarder, and with time running out in the third it’s SEA 13-10 ARI Alright, now it’s really important that we get a drive going. No, seriously. I mean it this time. No... no! What are you doing? What are you doing, you fools? 3rd and 10 deep in our territory, we’re officially in the schtuck... and here comes the blitz. Blake holds it, and holds it... then lets fly, hitting Johnno on the crossing-pattern for 20 yards and a first down. Nice. But Shipp is stuffed on consecutive plays and suddenly we’re back at 3rd-and-long, The Official Down And Distance Of The Arizona Cardinals. In a moment of pure optimism, we try to go play-action but, astonishingly, with us having carried 3 times for 2 yards so far on this drive, the Seahawk defence isn’t respecting the run and so even as Blake looks up to pass Anthony Simmons and John Randle – or Randle-El, as Al Michaels insists on calling him – are right in his face. It’s a minor miracle that Jeff gets the ball out of there at all, and on the whole I’m just glad there aren’t any Seahawks in the vicinity the pass wobbles gracelessly toward the ground. Then, from out of nowhere comes Freddie Jones, sliding in on his knees to scoop the ball up one-handed inches from the turf.
Both members of the crowd are on their feet – 10 yards and a 1st down. Three plays later, though, and for the second time today Anquaan Boldin’s stopped a yard from the line on tOD&DotAC. 4th and inches, 8 minutes to play... and I don’t get greedy, sending Bill Gramatica out to miss a 51-yard attempt waaay wide left. I wasn’t actually sending him out to miss, of course. Arse. Shaun Alexander’s plainly spent his time on the sidelines for the last few plays leaping up and down in front of Mike Holmgren shouting “Yoo-hoo, remember me? Fifty-four yard touchdown run? Hell-oooo?”, because he gets five straight handoffs for 27 yards and, maybe more crucially, three more minutes off the clock. On 3rd and 5 at our 39, though, Hasselbeck drops back, feels just a smidge of pressure and fires to a wide open Darrell Jackso... no! Quentin Harris makes a break on the ball, diving full stretch, gets both hands to the ball... and drops it. If that’s Dexter Jackson playing safety instead of Harris, that’s an INT. Ho hum. The punt, predictably, sails into the endzone and with 4:30 left in the game we’re at our 20, trailing by a field goal. For the sake of variety, we eschew the 3rd-and-long and instead get ourselves into a 3rd and 4 situation. Just as they seem to have on every 3rd down, Seattle bring the house, and just as he seems to have on every 3rd down, Johnno beats Marcus Trufant on a quick slant and picks up the first, with only a desperate last-gasp tackle from safety Ken Hamlin preventing a big, big gain. Not wanting to let his fellow rookie get all the kudos, Anquan Boldin finds a seam in the zone on a sharp hook-route, picking up 23 yards on the catch and run. The two minute warning comes with us facing 3rd and inches at the Seattle 28, but when Marcel Shipp is stopped for no gain it falls to Bill Gramatica to make amends for his earlier miss, into the wind this time... and he does, straight and true from 43 yards to level the scores with 1:20 to play - SEA 13-13 ARI Hasselbeck starts with two straight incompletions, and suddenly I’m looking at the clock wondering how long we’ll have to move the ball if we stop them. Then that becomes a bit academic as Alexander takes a flare-pass and just squeezes past the first-down marker before Tay Cody can get over to bundle him out of bounds. Bugger. Matt Hasselbeck is doing a decent impression of Peyton “The Peytonator” Manning, here. No matter how much pressure we get, he just doesn’t miss. With Wendell Bryant in his face, he launches a perfect strike to 4th receiver Alex Bannister that nets 18 yards to the halfway line. Seattle call timeout, leaving them with just one and 57 seconds. Since pressure isn’t helping I send in the quarter set, but it doesn’t help, Hasselbeck finding a lane through heavy traffic to nick another 23 yards, Bobby Engram this time. Shaun Alexander puts the tin lid on things with a bulldozing 14-yard run that sets up the chip-shot field-goal. The Seahawks let the clock run right down to a solitary tick before calling their last timeout, and that’s game over unless we can find a Carolina-esque miracle block... We can’t. Josh Brown slots his third figgie of the game, all of them from inside 27 yards, as time expires. The Arizona crowd file out, content that the natural order of things has been restored. Final score SEA 16-13 ARI [
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